I dug up one of my old files. I found a really deep blog post which I wrote when I felt a really raw sense of anger and betrayal at rumors and people who stab you in the back. It’s also kinda inspired by I Not Stupid 2, which is a really great movie by the way. I’m going to post this up so I don’t forget how poisonous my thoughts can be, and how I should never, ever think like that again.

22nd June 2006

They think I’m happy, they think I’m spoiled. Yes, I’m spoiled, but I’m spoiled because I’m always hurt, either by some one or myself. I’m like a rotten apple, jabbed and poked until I’m full of bruises and sores, left by a roadside, ignored and kicked around, unwanted. After all, who cares why the apple rots, who bothers to find out? All you do is toss the apple by the roadside and forget it. It’s a lost cause… Something everyone stares at, talks about, “Look someone littered again, yuck!” No one else does anything about that apple, no one cares. The only rubbish I see in my mind’s eye are the useless, narrow words that pour out of their mouth. After all, who are they to criticize those who are different? Everyone has their own goal, their own aspirations, and their own style of life. How dare anyone curse these unique things and attempt to suppress it, containing it to the mind by slamming criticism, lies, gossip and disapproval on the lid to weigh it down? Can’t they accept that I like something they don’t, I don’t mind anything they fear and that I have different styles of living as them? I don’t harm them, I don’t harm myself, I do nothing at all to anyone! Their reason for doing such hurtful things is? They only speak so because I do not live up to their ideal of a perfect daughter of the friend they ‘care’ about. Oh, I just wanted to say a few words to remove those bruises that are spreading over you. Translation: I am going to poke and prod at your bruises to get it out, no matter how pain and hurt I unnecessarily cause. The results are the unhealed bruises that spread further across my once rosy, smooth flesh. I am changed, I am a rotten apple. No one cares, no one knows.

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