Hungry.

I grew up in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia in a cozy little one-story house that flooded more often than not during the monsoon seasons. However, my parents liked the quiet neighborhood. So, instead of moving, they took a year to have a second floor installed instead. Now, the second floor view was a boon to my childhood imagination. The tall palm trees surrounding it alone were often a playground for my neighbors pet monkey, and I got to pet him often as the tiny primate scurried around with his long leash tied securely to the belt-loop of an impatient-looking Malay youth.

Not far beyond this tropical oasis however, peeked the silver tips of several metal giants, skyscrapers that glistened in the sun, always abuzz,and always brightly lit, even in the inkiest of nights – a marvel of modern architecture. Up-close on my frequent trips into it’s bustling center, the city reveals a less lustrous interior, but remains home to what every Malaysian, patriot or not, can be rightly proud of – Good food.

The hawker stalls, the hole-in-the-walls, the creme de la creme of restaurant halls, I have yet to see anything in my world travels that can rival the plethora of choices that tempt the taste buds in my home town. No matter how many years I continue to spend my adult life in America, I can never shake off the memory of smoky, sizzling, wok-fried ‘Cha Kuey Teow’ noodles upon my eager lips, or the sweet, soothing notes of ‘Mango Lassi’ as the cold Indian dessert slides down my parched throat. They haunt me still, those tantalizing memories of meals, a stark reminder that while I may not go hungry here in America, my soul continues to starve for a taste of home.

My dream.

What was your dream?

My career choice form flip-flopped through 3 years of elementary school, but from then on “A Writer” always made it on there.. Until this past year.

When did writing become so painful? I needed, wanted a break, but yet I wrote staggeringly throughout a year with no real desire to do so.

I used to plop down and spool out countless stories from my head, movies flashing faster onto paper than my impatience could keep up with. That’s why movies couldn’t compete, reading was always so much more exhilarating. You chose the pace, the cast, the crescendo and the diminuendo.

Reading someone else’s story was always amazing too. You felt a connection, even though the images that raced through your mind was probably not the same the author visualized. It was a mighty collaboration, a co-directed imagery, a shared sense of empathy for the characters.

Well, I guess it’s not too late, the year’s not over yet. Even with all the things that I’ve done in my short life, the achievements and bitter losses, I can still honestly say, this year, my dream is still to be “A Writer.”

Ideation

I had a dream last night that I woke up chomping at the bit to actualize.

The trouble is, I have an entire brain library dedicated to ideas that have to be made real. The question is, what can I do with what little resources I have? Or even better, what ideas will garner me the resources required to achieve more of these ideas?

Too meta? I agree. My brain is overclocking itself.

Maybe that’s why Social Media sites like Pinterest exists. It gives people an insight into how you think, inspires others to make your ideas happen, and helps your mind take hold of important details when it’s barreling off track sometimes.

Let’s go one step further Google Glasses – Let’s automate this vicious record of our collective train of thought. I’m waiting for it.

Tick Tock.

Time doesn’t stop.

We can move away, we can ignore the phone calls and messages people send us, we can even keep calling or sending texts to no avail.

But people will move on, surroundings will change.

It’s the usual question of, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one was around to see it, did it really fall?”

I’m writing this for the people who are escaping. Who are somehow denying change, struggling to scoop water in cupped palms, working to ignore the problems past the valley.

Please acknowledge all this, and if you can make a change, do it if you want. But even if you no longer have the ability or right to change someone else’s mind or go back in time, please continue to live life with no regrets.

It’s painful otherwise, for you and those around you who see you suffering that way.

Death.

Trajectory of a bullet in flight is governed by a combination of the initial speed, the ballistic coefficient of the bullet, the angle at which it is fired, and external factors such as air temperature, humidity, wind speed, and air pressure.

Yesterday, a friend of mine was shot four times in the chest.

I think the worst part of it all was that I think I knew who shot her, and I knew how they were some days.

They had a relationship, not perfect by any means, punctuated by bouts of violence, but they were the Momma & Poppa of the motley crew. I looked to them for lessons good or bad, and I knew them as imperfect human beings like us.

Momma was a strong, hot-tempered, graceful woman who chastised men and women for their body hair phobia, and Poppa was a little gruff, short with people, and never let a friend leave in need.

It’s a strange situation, I’m torn between the guilt of rooting for at least him to escape this tragedy and the guilt, that I may be rooting for a friend who double-tapped a friend twice.

Death is a strange beast.

Rest In peace Angela Godley, I miss you.

Mountains Out Of Molehills

“What will happen when I climb that mountain?”

“You will want to climb other mountains.”

 

张家界 – China’s National Park

 

It’s all about taking that first step. Then like any video game, puzzles/enemies that you thought were once impossible will become easier to handle, and you’ll eventually chase after the next level.

Chocolate Chips and Oatmeal

I have been made fun of for serving celery boats with peanut butter to kids, laughed at for roasting cabbage with vinegar, salt and pepper, and stared at whenever I serve a calamari salad for lunch.

 

Calamari Salad Recipe

 

 

It’s cheap, people! Plus, it’s healthy, pretty filling, easy and fast to prep, and tastes pretty darn good if I do say so myself.

I’m not a huge fan of constant salads myself as I’ve stated in my previous post – Salad Culture, and I love me some Korean fried chicken or a Texan dripping rare steak, but spare me the health-shaming here. (Health-shaming: The equivalent of fat-shaming/skinny-shaming when the size of the person is irrelevant, just their diet.)

If you’re like me, make your peace with your greens. It’ll save you a ton on your grocery bill and you might not get all soporific after each meal either.

Trust me, that’s how I feel anyways.

Composing One’s Self

“Breathe in for four seconds, hold it for four seconds, then exhale for four seconds.”

– Papa Syuk (My former OBS teammate on calming your breath after a 5 mile jog.)

The John Hopkins School of Medicine states that normal respiration rates for an adult person at rest range from 12-16 breaths per minute.

Now breathing –

It doesn’t seem like something you would forget to do, so it becomes a shocking revelation after each reminder in Acting class breathing exercises and each well-meaning constant look from my class mates, that…

… I forget to breathe.

  Cue relevant ad.

 

My point is, if you want to learn how to compose yourself, take a moment right now.. and breathe.

One Step At A Time

I feel like everything is a constant struggle right now.

Now, “Depression” is a term that is being flung around nowadays like rice at a hipster wedding, It looks cool when it’s flying through the air in clusters, but when it settles, all you’re left with is a flat mess the janitor will grumble over.. In clusters.

I think I may be depressed. Little things, sometimes even words, can set me off on a spiral down of hopelessness and fear. Even getting up to pour myself a bowl of cereal is a task in itself, and I feel drained when I have to interact with others sometimes.

Luckily, I have friends and family who help me and remind me to get up and keep going. I don’t even have to talk to them about this stuff, I don’t even need to vaguebook, I just have to watch them go about their day.

Here’s a relevant quote:

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.”

Oscar Wilde

He’s right, which is why the best advice I’ve ever heard when you feel like you’ve lost direction is to step outside your door. Even if it’s for a few minutes, even if it’s within a 3 feet radius. Life will somehow remind you that things still move, the minute hand will move, you can move.

I hope whoever reads this will think about moving. Whether I am depressed or not, I am still moving. And I hope that you will too.

I have a Black Dog, It’s named Depression.

 

Dodging Hypocrisy

Since I got Ms. Megan updating her blog, I figured I write a little something too, though I am nowhere near as productive.

Well, moving into a new apartment in Dallas, TX is a lot more exhausting than one may think. Then there’s the whole temptation of filling it with.. Stuff that costs $$$. Personally, I’ve never felt more at war with myself for stockpiling my kitsch checkerboard kitchen with Ace’s $10-worth of Mason Jars.

ONE DOZEN BALL® 320z. MASON JARS.

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No, I’m not getting paid for this =(

They’re not the fancy 2014 BALL® HERITAGE COLLECTION SPRING GREEN MASON JARS celebrating the 100th year anniversary of the “Perfection” jar, but here is what I gather –

 

Look how Big Red Kitchen does it!

On the one hand, you get drink-ware, serve-ware, bake-ware, microwave-ware, pickle-ware and storage-ware all folded into elegant glass. If all else fails, you can even turn them into tealights for a wedding, or goodness gracious, grow spices in them!

On the other hand.. It’s $10.

 

 

Sold.

 

And now I can say I wrote about…  *cough*  …Ball®s.

The Waiting Game

My life plans are like dominos right now. Credit to stellanutella

 

Job hunting is hard. Job-hunting with a legal start date is even harder.

It’s like having dominoes lined up perfectly a month before you are allowed to tip the first one over.

Even worse, they now fill up your room so you have no way of starting a new project until it gets cleared away.

It’s like a bad prank to keep you imprisoned, you just sit in the corner and try to acquire as many relevant skills as you can..

Then maybe some day, you’ll get to play.

Success and Failure

I think sometimes, what if things were as simple as success and failure.

Well, it’d suck.

Because much of what everyone calls my failures, I consider situations that have brought me down my to my knees, only to notice a blade of grass in the multitude which I trample upon regularly.

Times that have me shivering in the cold, if only to witness the moment the sun and mercury rise at their leisure, when night turns to day.

Moments that have me hurtling down a slippery slope, laughing every moment of the way, only to hit rock bottom and look up to realize that there’s nowhere else to go but trudging upwards once again.

Nothing is granted us. Nothing will last. So take hold of every moment, even if you know that you can only smile at it with a wistful glance backwards.

Roadtrip

It’s almost time for graduation.

Then I will drive up North and down the West Coast on a shoe-string budget road trip.

Dispensing resumes, portfolios and attempting to network.

It’s a lot to look forward to, but for now, I need to focus on my little steps.

And not sink.

NO. You may not…

take my heart.

tear out the ragged bits.

ground it into salt and lime.

know anymore about me.

use it against me.

promise to never do it again.

My heart is not mine to give anymore.

So stop.

Leave Me Alone.

Hello World.

This post has been dredged out of me by Sufiz, who has rediscovered my blog.

I figured I leave something here to keep him entertained during his rare annual visits.

Yes I miss the home, family and best friend, but I also have the wanderlust.

I want to traverse the paths laid out for me,

I want to stomp in every mud puddle,

I want to be friends with every person,

I want to learn how every mind works.

How every song was created.

But for the former, I’d be an idiot 😉

 

Worlds Collide

Home is awesome. Most of the time.

But being away by myself for so long can also end up in lots of miscommunication, especially when one gets accustomed to living a certain way.

Is my way always right? No. Do I know everything? No.

But do I at least know what I want? Most of the time.

Will I always got through with it? No.

I don’t always have to have my way, but I’d like to least be able to voice my opinion and have others at least contemplate what I say instead of always meeting with an immediate “You’re stubborn and wrong.”

I think of others too, but sometimes it’s also good to think of what I want to do if I were completely selfish.. To achieve a balance between the two.

It’s good to know that the person you’re talking to is putting themselves in your shoes to see where you are heading. The big picture.

And that’s why sometimes, total strangers are more bearable than family in rough times.

Guitar Love

So I’m home and picked up my Scarletti. She’s a little worse for the wear though 😦

Strings broken and rusty. Dents and dings. But she is still my star. My little songwriter. The song of my heart.

So. The moment I get some new strings, I’ll write a song for her on her. Fitting non? 😛

Defeat Defeat!

C&H

Defeat Defeat!

Today, one of my life’s problems was defeated in triumph.

Today, the constant wading through billions of search results to find that one relevant Calvin & Hobbes comic strip has met it’s end!

Behold in awe ladies and gents!

The Calvin & Hobbes Search Engine!

Today, I am Lady Stupendous.

Marketers Are Watching You

Track ALL The Things

I laughed at this comic because it’s kinda how I feel.

Not upset at having my every move monitored. Nope.

Just proffer me what the algorithms recommend I like.

I still get to choose really.   Right?

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Skynet.

Acoustic Music. And How my Sneaky Mother Got Me Started.

So I really love music, and have had classical training in piano ever since my mum tricked me into it by promising I’d learn how to play Fur Elise.

She neglected to mention the other years of practice i’d have to do AFTER learning that piece. Sneaky.

As for guitar, my best friend collected a bunch of other friends and they all got me an acoustic guitar on my sweet 16th. I learnt simple chords, and shortly after began writing songs and performing later on from there. [Shameless self-plug: Lex’s Youtube ]

One thing I do miss about Malaysia are all my musician friends who I can just say, “Eh, jom. Let’s jam.” 

So when I head back this December, I’m going to say just that.

Here’s a video. They’re good. Knock yourself out.